hmmm.....i dunno what to make of this

another bird sent this to me...

sweet dreams are made of these

The composition is crapy, i did this late at night, im half dead, but speed is my hero.he is all that i wanted to become and more, a hard ass with a car and a chimp who rides in the trunk! Isnt that (one of, heh.. being kind of pluralist while talking about something(s) that clame to act as such sometimes in various conjectures)the fucking modernist dream?...... ^O^ GO SPEED GO!

radiating decay.....the lights of the peak a monument to industrial power, phalluces everywhere

HACK....

Well, just blowing off some spare time, my avatar, it stares at me, consumes me..... the pixles are arranged, formulate my self complexion, i am overdetermined! i live in a cyberpunk illusion.. i am nothing...i am everywhere, i am connected...i am the cracks that seperate all connections, i am dynomite! (heh.....now who could i be quoting there?)

quite content to live in the rubble....

just sitting, engaging people, having them laugh at me for no reason sometimes (in my head of course)... I cant help but come to the solitude that if i isolate myself from others enough i will grow accustomed to this, it was only the nagging of being around others, of returning to america, of spending time in kyoto/tokyo that made me crack....i suppose that being alone makes the memories fade after a horrendous uproar of nostalgic constructivism with regards to memories/ect... oh well... I felt like i was doing something interesting i guess..heh sitting at my desk, i kind of want to draw, to create, to soar, but i wont...i know i wont because my affordances and self schema implore me to dash all hopes i have to make me into a sullen ghost/monster or whathave you... at least there are the illusions....i can hold onto those cant i? but that will destroy me im sure..ahh...sigh...well, here goes nothing *holds breath*

Living on the edge, feeling alone in cities of endless rows of people

時々どこでもいると泣きたい。ぜったい破壊のような感じがおもいで入りちゃうな。
I feel alone more it seems when i am around others than when by myself, since the solitude of being alone makes my surroundings and realtive isolation seem negligable... but in the presence of others i start to crack... How did i get this way? What happened to make me feel so weak? All i can do is self-masturbatory present my thoughts in emails to random people and hope that i choke in the process.... I have....I apologize for myself to myself more often than not... I once was a star, dancing, dreaming, full of fire and radiating intent, but i think that was an illusion of mine being drawn to the center of the fissiable materials to watch myself combust, i often confuse collapse for an explosion... the inversion for the extroversion... as a great philosopher said in one of his last treaties before he lost the composure to write 'i am dynomite'...thus we feed our illusions, because they are all we have known and will know..they are a premonition for the infinite horizion to overcome oneself, to become, to be a will into nothing and everything..

A day in the life of...

a bird informed me of this....somehow it strikes close to what could metaphorically be called 'home' in my psyche....heh...a day in the life of....だれ。。。どうして。。。ここにいたくない。。。どうしょうかな。。。切りがない所に行きたい、月へ飛びたい。。

In the land of nowhere and eternal damnation...my mind..

I come home... Sleep.... Wake up at midnight..... type on this blog that nobody reads....think im a fucking zombie....and then sleep.... Rinse, Repeat, Recycle>>>>>><<<<<>>>><<<><><><>I SHOULD HAVE DIED 4 YEARS AGO.....Im just a fucking burden on everyone and everything!! rant rant rant...bitch bitch bitch....X__X

*sigh*..

in response to my last ranty post that lacks any of the fun and pretensiousness of my first posts on this site.... i just want to say that i feel dead already... iguess thats all... REDEMPTIVE NOSTALGIC LONGING FOR A PASt THat NEVer WaS.... Living In A DrEaM, The IMpOSSiBLE beComE ReAL....sigh... whatever, take from that what you will, it means nothing and everything, so i will let you sort it out..

Flowers, Radiant Flowers...

Thats it, i have come to realize that i live in a world of chimerical fantasies.... I manage to destroy any chance i have of effectively communicating with individuals just by the fucked up methodologies that dance around in my epistemic from time to time... Not only has my ability to communicate anything at all slowly been dying, my volition to do so and such has been too, all i can do is say a pathetic "im sorry for being in exsistence and burdening the fucking planet with my pathetic issues"... Why this sense of obligaion. I dunno.. maybe its because i cant fucking express my emotions, my euphoria at least at thinking i could relate to somebody, something, somehow fine a connection and just be able to talk... but insecurity got the best of me, and i just caved... Walking around tokyo looking at the endless rows of cement graveyards to an industrial society eating away at itself.....yet that very masochism is what keeps it going.... heh... i think its a parable for my own actions.... self delusional, idiotic,asking the same questions over and over/....... making stupid statements that i shouldnt do, but do so anyways to break the silence ('i dont think i am the type of person who can do this" so much bull shit... my cognitive apptitude is no different than those around me, only my motivation and volition, but most people take that statement at a face value and think that it is an 'essence' rather than me just suggesting that given my affordances, i could give a shit about becoming good, but its fun anyways... heh.. but reading into each half assed statement i make would take too much for anyone, including myself most of the time.. so i give up.)..I just wanted to scream FUCKING HACK at myself on the shinkansen on the way back....i might fuck up pronunciations, fuck up at everything, fuck up at being a decent person (according to my pathetic standards)...oh...well...fuck... Then the stupid flow of insecure questions float to the top "what surprised you about coming here?" REPLY- what the fuck is that? "I dont know"....possibly a bullshit question trying to see what preconceptions individuals had that were undercut or made their limits more explicit... FUCK........ARGGG>.....the type of questions i get pissed at others for asking i fall into out of sheir uncertainty...... I could be relaxed, sure.... that would make things too fucking easy... Im a masochist.... kill me.....thats all i have been thinking lately, but im too indecisive and apathetic to do so. Well, i think i have given up... im just going to see if my apathy can wane for a while and push me into the abyss....i still need some motivation to take the jump....oh well... Rant out....

Today was an interesting day, i guess after weeks of sitting at the BOE not doing anything, i felt quite liberated going to the schools.... I did talk a little there, and some of the third year girls asked me to play a game with them..... Heh, they always freek out whenever i come to the school, its kind of funny, but at least its a good dose of communication.. I actually talked a little with some people... It made me feel a little less like wanting to smash my head in.. The kids enjoy me just being around. Heh, well i didnt feel quite as dissolusioned, or suicidal when i was around them... I think i should just call in sick whenever i go to the BOE... maybe then i could last the full 2 years here..i dunno.. well there is more i could talk about today, but im going to sleep, wake up at 5pm tomorrow, pack for tokyo, and then go to work...

Lollipops

what a silly word, lollipops... i find most words to be absurd when i focus on their phonetic form and watch any sembalance of meaning (well as i preceived previously, there is meaning there, no matter how much i would try to disintigrate it) into a hodgepodge of random tones...Its kind of humorous. After our conversation this morning, things return to normalicy (i.e. silent dolls dancing and no speech). I had some friends who said the same things, that whenever they told their co-workers that they felt isolated they said `thats too bad` and all proceeds as normal (not that i expect anything from them to change the situation, ill have to take initiative for that), but its kind of humorous i find...heh...WE HOPE THAT YOU CHOKE>>>FROZEN WINTER SHIT>>>>>>>

Hmm...

So i had a meeting with my supervisor.. HE asked me my opinion on alot of things, and i was probably too honest with most things (though i didnt imply that i was looking for a new job), but anyways, It was an interesting time.... I told him why i was so shy and how i felt just weird in general around everyone and that i was depressed and felt isolated.. And attributed it to me being a foreigner (its a nice fall back for my personal lackings...hiding behind a lable sometimes..hmm...its odd...just odd...i dont know what to think.) Well, anyways, we talked for an hour (in japanese) and things got better i think. Im still shy as hell, but at least he probably understands me somewhat more than he did before... I dont think it changes me looking for alternative jobs, but it has made things somewhat more barable at the BOE for the time being (well, that is for the rest of today). Well, i think i have decided to go to the states and visit my family for a week or something, but i am going to come back and spend a few days in tokyo interviewing.. Well, i dont feel as down today, and have the weekend to look forward to... I wish i had some pictures to post, but its been a few days since i have taken my camera out. Well, when i go to tokyo ill be sure to take a few pictures....heh... Well, anyways, we shall see how things go..

HACK!!!

"Dress up boy! your gonna be a star one day!!!!!! Show those feathers!!!! Get the facelift! Wear your suit like a badge of honor.Love the corporations that feed you! Boy your gonna be a star one day!". allright, this is just a testiment to my own egotistical/narssicistic self..While complaining about social constructs (everything and anything is.) a bird spoke to me, japan is not the place for those with an aversion to nitpicking and fine details, social masturbatory rituals (everything and anything can be constructed to be as such, its all how the author views the specific ritual/practice/artifact [cultural/semiotic/material]its all the same.). Boy your gonna be a star! SHOW THOSE PEARLY TEETH!!! BE the eye Of The tIGER!!! RUN!!! DONT LOOK WHEre your GOING<<< DONT LOOK WHERE THE OMNIous SIgnS point... FORWARD PROGRESS!!!!

Just a note

That last blog was my ego and vanity spewing out... I apologize for it, though to say i apologize would imply that i didnt mean it at the time, which i did, but anyways, Most everything is just my self deloussion.. I decided not to go to a New Teachers party... (would have been 5000 more yen, and it would have been a little weird... I was intent on going to all the ones i was asked to, until i realized how expensive they are... its kind of insane...I have at least gone to some of them.) Well, whatever, Im gong to study now... Ranting is getting tiring... Its kind of weird though, i was sitting at the welcoming ceremony and having trouble staying conscous, my eyes were falling down... I should eat more, but the volition to do so is slowly fading again... This seems like H.S. redux, except i dont have anyone i could open up to if i wanted to except for mika, everyone would just say `oh thats too bad!` and go on about their business (which is fine, because though i might want a degree of pitty from others from my rants, i respect their ability to see through my bullshit. In truth i probably just want someone who has a degree of empathy with what i am going through, not nessicarily pitty... just to relate.)

Im a fucking side show!

Ok, As i was walking up to the introductory meeting for the new members of the BOE, i was putting my hands in my pockes because it was somewhat more relaxing to do so while i was walking... i dunno. anyways my go to man at the BOE got on my case for doing so and said it was no good to do so (literally, shit).. I was like (fuck, what the hell, oh ya, i dispise individuals who get uptight over this shit...) so i complied not to let anything ferment from it... Then without telling me, well that on the spot (i find they dont tell me jack shit, other than the basics, like, were going here now, come with!, or, do this!, which im fine with doing, most of the time, but it makes me feel like im out of the loop even more ach time, which i am....rant rant rant....oh well, I enjoy going to the schools and teaching the kids, but the time sitting on my ass just kills me....I probably could be more constructive in the classes to to make myself feel more involved, but alas, im a fucking wreck.) But he had me hand out these papers to people that had the names of the new members on it... I swear yoroshiku onegaishimasu has lost all sembalence of any meaning... Just throw it out whenever... `yoroshiku onegaiitashimasu`, i must have said that a thousand times... My supervisor at the BOE tried to talk to me about what i did this weekend, again, and why i didnt go to sendai.... i said i didnt have enough time (or more or less i lost the volition to), but after that he said that i did a good job saying `yoroshiku onegishimasu` like a robot to everyone that came in... I dunno.... Im to much of a fucking slacker.... I would rather sound like a broken robot with umm...heh...i dunno... than a more `proper` one, heh.. (there i go again, DANGER DANGER WILL ROBINSON!). But its interesting, im just noticing it more, or being overly critical of everything now that i have given up working here for the most part... I feel like an ass more and more...because i am i guess. But it just got to me how the slightest thing i do, i.e. the `oh your sooo good at chopstiks, Your japanese is sooo good, wow you can wear a suit, you can brush your teeth!!! WOW`, just kind of corrupts my psychological state after a while... I guess im a 2week old or something.. (well, though i may be a cultural object for them being a foreigner or something, and it might seem propper to compliment them, i feel like its tantamount to if i complimented them for being able to take a shit or something like that...im a fucking ass..damnit, i dont want to feel this way, but i cant help it right now. I know when im depressed im overly critical of myself and everything around me, but i dunno.....Im a fucking side show...! LOOK MA NO HANDS!!!

Rant...rant...rant... Ver. 2.0

After spending the other day sleeping for most of the morning, cleaning up the place, and finally getting out and running (and buying shinkansen tickets), i talked on the internet... There is an overabundance of things i need to do and get set....I dont know if i will have a change of heart in the next few weeks and want to stay, but we shall see...Im looking at probably too much stuff right now.. All i know is that i will have 2 weeks in may off to go to tokyo or wherever and get my shit together, or try to... Im looking at all sorts of things and seeing what is possible/feasable.... How much i could save if i change positions, ect.... Well, either way... But i went into work today and my `go to man` at the BOE commented on how i had my hair pulled back, and had a suit on... and i just looked down and was thinking `stop fucking patronizing me.` My vanity gets the best of me i find more often than not recently. Sigh.. he was probably just impressed that i gave a shit about wearing a suit for the welcoming ceremony and had my hair pulled back (i did that because i went into an onsen last night and otherwise my hair would dry and be all flipy/get in my mouth when i sleep, ect...) But he was overtly commenting on it and even came over and patted my head (which kind of annoyed me). He could tell, and said `arnt you happy?` i didnt say anything in reply and just kind of looked down... THen he goes about his business... A few moments later i try help moving stuff, and i guess since i surupise him by my lack of apathy on this, he says `matt power` as im carying stuff...ehh...whatever.. im too fucking calloused at this point.. I might have found it humorous a few months ago, but i just dont feel i have the temperment for this... Though besides writing about it and letting it fester for a few moments, nothing will come of it...except for the aquardnss of whenever i see him...heh... Well, I will try and see if i can work on my resume and also get some other things out, and i need to decide if i want to america for this golden week, or if i want to just try and focus on jobs (but if i go back i could get some things set for grad school in the process..). Well, whatever... those damn mechanical dolls are dancing again in my head....rant rant rant...

RANT RANT RANT

So i have become quite skilled at listening to people and then telling them about my own pathetic emotional breakdown in japanese. I had a 30 minute conversation with this guy at the local onsen.... I enjoy having these conversations with people, though i cant express myself to any degree other than stating basic things, i find that i am getting skilled at listening and speaking small talk... i have a ways to go if i want to reach karatani Kojin, Ueno, Soseki, or Nashida's expressive abilities... heh.. though i doubt that would happen until im somewhere in my mid 50's, tired of everything, and after industrial society collapses in on itself... But it was a good conversation, he was asking about food and such in america and japan, and i told him about the shit they put in meat and other additives, and thats part of a multiplicity of reasons why cancer is high in america along with other stuff.. He then commented on how japan had banned meat from the US, and then went on to talk about the avian flu virus, ect... but then we moved towards the subject of how someone my age finds friends around here... He said that this was a difficult place, and that i would have better luck in morioka, but i told him that my friends who lived that way had recently moved (erick was a friend of mine whom i went snowboarding with, and he just went back to Mexico yesterday, so i didnt get a chance to meet up with him one last time in Morioka, but i wished him good luck... and told him i was considering moving also, which he found funny [so far 3 people that i know in this area have moved away from the isolation... I guess it was quite an ominous sign seeing everyone so out of it at the orientation in September for the ALT's with Earlham.. I thought i could stand it if i spent alot of time with Miaka and the family, but being such a burden on them has led to isolation from them, and in turn the regress into my own dissolutionment. Though if i move to Tokyo, ill have to work more, it will be a nice change of pace if i am at somewhere where i can get along with the other employees and possibly feel like im doing something.... But i think working in English Teaching, that can only last for a little bit after its welcome is gone, thus i feel that grad school/going to a design school [graphic art, digital photography, whatever] would be more interesting... But i would also want to take dedicated japanese lessons....Im not giving up with this shit yet... I might be a rude, selfish, arrogant american [ehh.. i despise that last term, hehe, because of the socio-political links to it, all the preceding ones im fine with being ascribed to myself..]. But i went to get a shinkansen ticket today, right at the closing time of the office, and said if i could get a ticket (i was spot on and in line when the closing time for the place was, i was lucky), but anyways, i got the shinkansen ticket i wanted (i will have to take 2 hours off of work on thursday, and i dont know if that will jive since we have the enterance ceremony, but i think i can use a later shinkansen if i want to, ill just have to give up my seat. But i said i was sorry for being so rude that i came in at the end of the opening hours to ask him for some help.. And he said it was ok, but that i should keep that in mind for next time. (why do i remember going to the station at later hours and there being someone at the window?? I dunno...i dont know what the fuck is up with the operation hours there... I guess random station attendants show up around the time trains come.. or presumibly..)

So i posted my resume on gaijinpot..... Well whatever, fuck it.. All else fails i can just go down to tokyo and live with the cats in the city... And maybe become friends with the multitude of homless all around... But maybe ill get a breath of fresh air up here... I did manage to run (half assed) for about a mile today...but it was the first time since i have been in japan that i have done that (excluding when i did it with Shinichi back when i first got here....heh.. that was a good time, but alas....Sigh...