RANT RANT RANT

So i have become quite skilled at listening to people and then telling them about my own pathetic emotional breakdown in japanese. I had a 30 minute conversation with this guy at the local onsen.... I enjoy having these conversations with people, though i cant express myself to any degree other than stating basic things, i find that i am getting skilled at listening and speaking small talk... i have a ways to go if i want to reach karatani Kojin, Ueno, Soseki, or Nashida's expressive abilities... heh.. though i doubt that would happen until im somewhere in my mid 50's, tired of everything, and after industrial society collapses in on itself... But it was a good conversation, he was asking about food and such in america and japan, and i told him about the shit they put in meat and other additives, and thats part of a multiplicity of reasons why cancer is high in america along with other stuff.. He then commented on how japan had banned meat from the US, and then went on to talk about the avian flu virus, ect... but then we moved towards the subject of how someone my age finds friends around here... He said that this was a difficult place, and that i would have better luck in morioka, but i told him that my friends who lived that way had recently moved (erick was a friend of mine whom i went snowboarding with, and he just went back to Mexico yesterday, so i didnt get a chance to meet up with him one last time in Morioka, but i wished him good luck... and told him i was considering moving also, which he found funny [so far 3 people that i know in this area have moved away from the isolation... I guess it was quite an ominous sign seeing everyone so out of it at the orientation in September for the ALT's with Earlham.. I thought i could stand it if i spent alot of time with Miaka and the family, but being such a burden on them has led to isolation from them, and in turn the regress into my own dissolutionment. Though if i move to Tokyo, ill have to work more, it will be a nice change of pace if i am at somewhere where i can get along with the other employees and possibly feel like im doing something.... But i think working in English Teaching, that can only last for a little bit after its welcome is gone, thus i feel that grad school/going to a design school [graphic art, digital photography, whatever] would be more interesting... But i would also want to take dedicated japanese lessons....Im not giving up with this shit yet... I might be a rude, selfish, arrogant american [ehh.. i despise that last term, hehe, because of the socio-political links to it, all the preceding ones im fine with being ascribed to myself..]. But i went to get a shinkansen ticket today, right at the closing time of the office, and said if i could get a ticket (i was spot on and in line when the closing time for the place was, i was lucky), but anyways, i got the shinkansen ticket i wanted (i will have to take 2 hours off of work on thursday, and i dont know if that will jive since we have the enterance ceremony, but i think i can use a later shinkansen if i want to, ill just have to give up my seat. But i said i was sorry for being so rude that i came in at the end of the opening hours to ask him for some help.. And he said it was ok, but that i should keep that in mind for next time. (why do i remember going to the station at later hours and there being someone at the window?? I dunno...i dont know what the fuck is up with the operation hours there... I guess random station attendants show up around the time trains come.. or presumibly..)

So i posted my resume on gaijinpot..... Well whatever, fuck it.. All else fails i can just go down to tokyo and live with the cats in the city... And maybe become friends with the multitude of homless all around... But maybe ill get a breath of fresh air up here... I did manage to run (half assed) for about a mile today...but it was the first time since i have been in japan that i have done that (excluding when i did it with Shinichi back when i first got here....heh.. that was a good time, but alas....Sigh...