Im a fucking side show!

Ok, As i was walking up to the introductory meeting for the new members of the BOE, i was putting my hands in my pockes because it was somewhat more relaxing to do so while i was walking... i dunno. anyways my go to man at the BOE got on my case for doing so and said it was no good to do so (literally, shit).. I was like (fuck, what the hell, oh ya, i dispise individuals who get uptight over this shit...) so i complied not to let anything ferment from it... Then without telling me, well that on the spot (i find they dont tell me jack shit, other than the basics, like, were going here now, come with!, or, do this!, which im fine with doing, most of the time, but it makes me feel like im out of the loop even more ach time, which i am....rant rant rant....oh well, I enjoy going to the schools and teaching the kids, but the time sitting on my ass just kills me....I probably could be more constructive in the classes to to make myself feel more involved, but alas, im a fucking wreck.) But he had me hand out these papers to people that had the names of the new members on it... I swear yoroshiku onegaishimasu has lost all sembalence of any meaning... Just throw it out whenever... `yoroshiku onegaiitashimasu`, i must have said that a thousand times... My supervisor at the BOE tried to talk to me about what i did this weekend, again, and why i didnt go to sendai.... i said i didnt have enough time (or more or less i lost the volition to), but after that he said that i did a good job saying `yoroshiku onegishimasu` like a robot to everyone that came in... I dunno.... Im to much of a fucking slacker.... I would rather sound like a broken robot with umm...heh...i dunno... than a more `proper` one, heh.. (there i go again, DANGER DANGER WILL ROBINSON!). But its interesting, im just noticing it more, or being overly critical of everything now that i have given up working here for the most part... I feel like an ass more and more...because i am i guess. But it just got to me how the slightest thing i do, i.e. the `oh your sooo good at chopstiks, Your japanese is sooo good, wow you can wear a suit, you can brush your teeth!!! WOW`, just kind of corrupts my psychological state after a while... I guess im a 2week old or something.. (well, though i may be a cultural object for them being a foreigner or something, and it might seem propper to compliment them, i feel like its tantamount to if i complimented them for being able to take a shit or something like that...im a fucking ass..damnit, i dont want to feel this way, but i cant help it right now. I know when im depressed im overly critical of myself and everything around me, but i dunno.....Im a fucking side show...! LOOK MA NO HANDS!!!