Living on the edge, feeling alone in cities of endless rows of people

時々どこでもいると泣きたい。ぜったい破壊のような感じがおもいで入りちゃうな。
I feel alone more it seems when i am around others than when by myself, since the solitude of being alone makes my surroundings and realtive isolation seem negligable... but in the presence of others i start to crack... How did i get this way? What happened to make me feel so weak? All i can do is self-masturbatory present my thoughts in emails to random people and hope that i choke in the process.... I have....I apologize for myself to myself more often than not... I once was a star, dancing, dreaming, full of fire and radiating intent, but i think that was an illusion of mine being drawn to the center of the fissiable materials to watch myself combust, i often confuse collapse for an explosion... the inversion for the extroversion... as a great philosopher said in one of his last treaties before he lost the composure to write 'i am dynomite'...thus we feed our illusions, because they are all we have known and will know..they are a premonition for the infinite horizion to overcome oneself, to become, to be a will into nothing and everything..