Flowers, Radiant Flowers...

Thats it, i have come to realize that i live in a world of chimerical fantasies.... I manage to destroy any chance i have of effectively communicating with individuals just by the fucked up methodologies that dance around in my epistemic from time to time... Not only has my ability to communicate anything at all slowly been dying, my volition to do so and such has been too, all i can do is say a pathetic "im sorry for being in exsistence and burdening the fucking planet with my pathetic issues"... Why this sense of obligaion. I dunno.. maybe its because i cant fucking express my emotions, my euphoria at least at thinking i could relate to somebody, something, somehow fine a connection and just be able to talk... but insecurity got the best of me, and i just caved... Walking around tokyo looking at the endless rows of cement graveyards to an industrial society eating away at itself.....yet that very masochism is what keeps it going.... heh... i think its a parable for my own actions.... self delusional, idiotic,asking the same questions over and over/....... making stupid statements that i shouldnt do, but do so anyways to break the silence ('i dont think i am the type of person who can do this" so much bull shit... my cognitive apptitude is no different than those around me, only my motivation and volition, but most people take that statement at a face value and think that it is an 'essence' rather than me just suggesting that given my affordances, i could give a shit about becoming good, but its fun anyways... heh.. but reading into each half assed statement i make would take too much for anyone, including myself most of the time.. so i give up.)..I just wanted to scream FUCKING HACK at myself on the shinkansen on the way back....i might fuck up pronunciations, fuck up at everything, fuck up at being a decent person (according to my pathetic standards)...oh...well...fuck... Then the stupid flow of insecure questions float to the top "what surprised you about coming here?" REPLY- what the fuck is that? "I dont know"....possibly a bullshit question trying to see what preconceptions individuals had that were undercut or made their limits more explicit... FUCK........ARGGG>.....the type of questions i get pissed at others for asking i fall into out of sheir uncertainty...... I could be relaxed, sure.... that would make things too fucking easy... Im a masochist.... kill me.....thats all i have been thinking lately, but im too indecisive and apathetic to do so. Well, i think i have given up... im just going to see if my apathy can wane for a while and push me into the abyss....i still need some motivation to take the jump....oh well... Rant out....