Castration....A solution to a riddle....

hmmmm... sometimes i wish i didnt have a libido... sometimes i wish i didnt have this feeling of lack, of loneliness..or rather inversely, the strive to be filled, to be able to help make someone feel complete (as if there were such a thing), the simulacra of totalization, the phenomenal road to nowhere through everything. I find my friends can situate me well enough, even just digitalizations. but the solitude creeps back slowly... I realize I need someone just to be around with, just to talk to, just to share empathy with, to help find some degree of contentment in existence. That would make a world of difference, the opiate...fuck... But alas, its doomed to failure. I think the generation that i have grown up with have abandoned all sentimentality of that sort. In a way, im surprised i still hold onto them, yet am opposed to the concept of a singular relationship, of a proprietorship of sorts... fuck that.... cohabitation, thats about it (but i know how easily things can collapse in with that, but maybe i seek collapse)... Its not for a lack of commitment to anyone or anything, but just that i cant stand the feeling of defining strict borders, trying compartmentalize feelings.... i have feelings for multiple people, that range across a broad spectrum... It doesnt mean that its any sort of libidinal lust or anything, but rather the ability to embrace. I want to embrace individuals, just hold them, but respect them enough to see them walk away if its their choice, but the feelings i hold for people i wont let go, they may decay in the tempests of time, but fuck....just to embrace...Sometimes this fucking shit gets in the way, the phallic solitude of a soliditiy, something stable, to thrust with, the attempt to give order to existence, fuck....(in literal and figurative meaning)...I wonder, did anyone ever speak of a castration complex? the search for lack? hah...argg shit i forgot what i was typing about.. x_x