So i guess im bipolar...heh

Well, after being called rude today, and then falling even further into the depths of my own self delusion, I was asked to help out with setting up the chairs for this welcoming ceremony we are having on monday for the new teachers/assistants.... That made me feel a little less like a complete waste, and then Mika came to the BOE... I was nervous to talk to her at first because i didnt know if she was bussy or what, but i just said fuck it and said hi to her as she was coughing... We only had a 5 minute conversation, but it was great to actually speak to someone, everyone else at the BOE was probably surprissed that i said anything at all... But talking to her, i could understand what she was saying more clearly than anyone else at the BOE, i guess if you know someone its easier to comprehend what they intend...heh... but it made me feel not as suicidal as i was earlier this week... It was a nice change of pace....I felt good after that for a moment, and the superintendent asked me what we talked about (as if he felt supprised by the events). But she told me to hang in there, and said that she would understand if i wanted to relocate....Sigh... If only i could see her and her family every day, i would probably get along fine up here... Well, at the end of the day i missed my bus, the first time since i have been here, and had to get a ride with naoyuki (my go to guy at the BOE/supervisor). On the ride back we had a somewhat decent conversation... He said that all he did was work (I guess that's why he is seems somewhat of a stickler sometimes), but I said somewhat jokingly (after I told him about my weekend, and that I am going to Tokyo next weekend) have a fun weekend (though he will be working for it all), he said "what are you talking about?" and I said "I don't know, but after work you should party or something" (remember this is in Japanese, as are all of the conversations, so the translations are approximate reconstructions of what happened, but good enough I find). But it was funny, he seemed to get a kick out of it, though I can tell he dislikes me to a degree.... But anyways, mika just sent me some haiku's in Japanese trying to get me motivated... heh.... I cant thank her enough... Wherever the wind blows, ill land somewhere, be it a regrowht here, Tokyo, Nagoya, or the other side of the world..... I don't feel quite as alone as I did this morning... But then again tomorrow is another day, but not at the BOE!! \(^0^)/ Off to morioka I go, and to get some things ready for traveling to Tokyo next weekend... I need to get my shit into gear, but I have for a long time... Suicide, and self-loathing keeps on haunting me and pulling me into the depths of myself..I must seek into the abyss, not for anythign solid or an essence, but rather to understand the void and its infinitude and multiplicity, to learn to see my limits yet be not content with them for that would accept a static barrier... Well, here goes nothing...