Feels like its slowly falling apart

Today, when i went to work, i was still down (last night i just fell asleep at 9 or so... there were things i wanted to do.. but i just said fuck it after piano lessons, i managed to play somewhat decently considering i havent touched a piano for i dont know how many weeks... But i can never follow here when since i dont think in terms of do,re,mi,fa,so,ra,shi (i was tought in alabetical terms, and its stuck with me and i have not put any effort to trying to subsume what i am used to with music... though i assume it would be easy to do so..but i just got lazy.. Anyways, i still cant sight read worth shit... I usualy just do imitation by watching when she does it and then slowly go over the peices in my spare time writing in the notes above the letters... I guess i have had too much time thinking in a specific world view that changing it is hard to do...ive become too entrenched, i guess i could say the same thing with english...though the latter is giving way at the same time that my japanese is.. so its like a big void, or feels that way... Anyways, at work this morning my `go to man` at the board of education told me that he cancled my reservation (like what? there is going to be one more seat, i wouldnt have had anything either way and its more food for everyone else, which is how it would have been). But he said i was rude and that i needed to tell him earlier, but its ok because i dont know how things are done in "japan" (heh, i think people would be upset to some degree if i decided not to go, but i guess it might be more acceptable since i dont drink or eat any of the food), but its still a "social entrance fee" to show your ties with the group.. One peice of the puzzle just started to fall, i can feel others going in tandem... I was contemplating giving up and not going to piano lessons last night.... I dunno, but anyways, i tried to redeem myself and made everyone tea for the morning, but everyone has special cups, so i dont know which is which.. But everyone said thanks, and will continue on... One of the other workers at the BOE told me to try and hang in there since the vacation was almost over and i will have classes in a few weeks.....Fuck... I think i enjoy one on one teaching much more than classes... You can get to know someone that way, dedicate attention to them, and usualy (from meeting with foreign students at UWM and helping them with english, and just be someone to have a good chance to talk with) its much more laid back and a friendly atmosphere. So im a rude ass at work, i think i give myself until the end of May or June, or until i can find some job and an appartment in kanto/kansai... chances are i will feel like a fuckup there too, but hey, it will be a change. Im just sitting at my desk working on my resume and endless kanji.