Redemptive nostalgia (a prelude, and omen for aleatory encounters)

hmmm....ok, so i came back from this trip.. why did i come back...thats the question i ask myself now. constantly moving, meeting new people, getting to just traverse the horizons, seeing my own limits play out in front of me every second. I often feel like searching for something, i dont know what, but the isolation here was making me feel like i could implode at any minute... Self loathing, apathy, all crusshing down on me like a weight of a thousand miles of condensed matter rushing from the sky. Each day the weight would get more and more. Seeping through my poores, wishing for something else, a realized dream turning out to be the retrospective nostalgic lust of an ignorant youth for something that probably never was, yet it also has keept me going. Mika, Ruka, Kanae, Kakeru, Shinichi, and Nobu....though i could speek to them and have opened up myself as much as i can do for being an infant who has yet to internalize the conceptual metaphors and in general corpus to articulate anything other than basic sentances, i still felt a bit lonely, as if seeing them only made me loathe the time i was away.. The search for something to hold onto, as much as i want to be detached sometimes, the will to want, to need, to search for something has become more pronounced after this trip. I dont know how it all occured, but i felt a rejuvination. More so than the places i went, which while impressive aesthetic experiences with their own place in my synaptic storehouse, the people i met just smaked me in the face. Such a stark contrast, i guess i took the initiative to talk to people since im basically sitting at a desk pretending to do something interesting all day every day in Nishiwaga.....but enough....i just broke...So many aleatory meetings, how bizzare.. I shall refer to my situation from now on in the aleatory conjecture, and now that is what i seek... Being an aecetic, while something i still cling to a bit, has warn thin on this wasteland of a mind....I hereby resound that I will not fear the chimeras in my mind, though that is easier said than done.. I felt a breath rush into me like...well i cant draw any analogies right now, but in kyoto, just a meger 2 days, i felt that the bring of cognitive implosion burst into a phenominal experience of immense porportions....IM still going off a buzz without much sleep for the past 78 or so hours....I fear\know that my reconstructive memory is playing tricks on me... I seriously dont know what i want to do, or if what i am feeling is only the prelude to a massive drop...At least i can anticipate the fall...but for now...the infinite nihilism and horizon of now....can i dare speak, content.....but what is it that i am objectifying as my contentment...what is it that strikes me...i am being vague on purpose for i fear that which i feel....but dont dare pitty me, for your pitty shall kill both of us. I have a sense of resoluteness about me now...but again, the feelings...want to rush out of me... being bottled up here has had its toll i can tell. I feelt the comfort of symptomatic aleatory intrigue... two people talking, so odd sometimes, finding another that can make you feel less dead, alive if for even the encounter.. Feel somewhere relaxed...I look forward to seeing things develop, wherever the torrents of the world carry me and my volition propells me... Moving, my vision is constantly blurry, but at least i can take a chance to embrace the aleatory conjecture..... I can say just to speak, just to relate, just to share the conjecture.....how?what?why?when? time enough for those questions to destroy myself in a mound of doubt....all i can say is that, for a brief moment, i felt the winds of redemption, of wanting to relate, to communicate, to be....being in becoming.. the dialogic principal..... i apologize to those whom this doesnt make much sense to, but i need to write this flow of thoughts down....i need to externalize, if only to self-fufillingly assure myself that it was all not a dream... maybe it was... but what a magnificant dream it was....if meloncholly follows, i will feel forever gratefull(though the kind without a subject, some fill the void of the conjecture with a diety or an essence, but i shall refrain, though im not sure what to make of this feeling....heh....damn.). thus the nostalgia will eat at me, yet make me feel cognicent, as if i had some degree of composition, every moment, every limit, every infinite horizon..... what is this.....rather, which is it that consumes me? the geneological question is asked, the subjects multiplicity is implied in the latter question...which, which one.....i slip back into the regress of silence for lack of a better medium to materialize my connections.... All i can say is thank you, to the individual(s) who shall go un-named, for making me feel alive again, though my presence carries a burden with it wherever i am i feel, i just want to leave a small memo.... I apologize, but the words have come to re-vert back into a private dialogue... nobody will probably read this, but i just had to get a epistemic overflow onto some other medium... I apologize, to myself and everything, the subjectless spin of thoughts... Though i will fail in my mental constructs and affordances given my schematic inclination to self destruct...I can try something, try once, just to let go, just to seek the limits of myself and embrace the memories and infinite futures...Thus my redemptive nostalgia...sweet and bitter...