hmmm..

Shorly after i wrote that last post i kind of started to break up inside... I told my supperior at the Board of Education that i didnt want to go to the Sobetsukai tomorrow, i made a lame excuse and said that i didnt think i would be able to eat anything there...So he made a call to reserve a special meal for me...After the call, i just said in the most pathetic voice, umm...i still dont realy feel like going to it... he just kind of stared at me as if i was a heritic or something... but at this time i was full of doubt, suicidal thoughts, dont know what the fuck im doing... i could stay here and have it easy, not wory about isolation, save, and just chill.... But i dont think i can do that.... I just cant.... I cant relax here, unless im around Mika and her family, but she has been sick and its been over a month since i have seen her and the kids.... maybe after the new school year starts i will feel better about things, but given how things are now, if i had someplace to live somewhere else in japan i would just pack up and walk away... I was saying to myself all day long how much of a failure i am in comparison to what i wanted to accomplish... I constaly fuck up conjugations, never speek, know that i should if i want to get good at communicating, but have curled up into a shell so i can eat myself alive....i guess going to the elementary schools was a plus because the kids seemed to always enjoy my company....but maybe they didnt, i dont know, im being overly critical right now of everything i do....But i had the most pronounced suicidal visions today at work, something that hasnt happened to me since high school, I feel just as isolated then as i do now....how the fuck did i get through college without falling back into this? I guess i always read to keep me occupied, and i felt that i could learn japanese, while now i just feel that im a fuckup with everything.... ehhh.... my supperior at the BOE told me that he thought it would be a good idea if i take a break and go to tokyo next weekend.... he could totaly see right through me and probably knew that i was teatering on the edge of my own mental abyss... I enjoy doing this to myself, or something along that magnitude, for it has happened in the past, and is continuing.... I guess i felt there was a chance that i could change, a chance to become the infinite, to dream... I lost that somewhere....but i guess thats assuming i had 'it'.