and rust...

I spent the day studying kanji again, i keep on feeling like im in one of those rotating wheels that hampsters/gerrbals are in, constantly covering the same ground and not making progress at all.... I had a breif moment where i tried to express my feelings about the trip to some of the teachers when i went to ask for a few days off in may.. I always feel i am a burden since my vocabulary is so limited....It is as if i am taking random stabs in the dark most of the time...just random sa/ra/seki....ect...come to mind, i have some of the connections in a vague sense, but my mind is collapsing, i cant remember things i did yesterday....ugh...i have a nack for defeating myself sometimes...But i think i have made up my mind to move.....I dont know where quite yet, all i know is somewhere south of Iwate.....But the strangest thing happened to me, after i made a phone call when i was walking back to the BOE, some kids came out and said`mashu sensei kita!` and kind of ran out while i was on the phone still on the phone, something about that made me smile and not feel like a complete waste of space.... i dont know... something made me smile if only for a moment to then relapse into a feeling of isolatedness upon reflecting the situation at hand.. I enjoy seeing the kids, but it leaves me hollow sometimes..im rusting away, more rapidly than before the trip, if the trip was an abberation, a chimera, it was so worthwhile... I might see if i can set up an interview in Tokyo, though the metropolis will have its own chimeras that will eat me alive im sure....at least i can do it in the proximity of a multitude of others crushing against the cement pavement.