The big comedown.....heh, that was fast...

Pictures from the phenomena.... i just choose random ones from the over abudance of masturabitory romanticism with everything i encountered, yet the most important, valuable, irreplacable parts of the trip i couldnt bring myself to objectify in a picture.... For i fear of doing so because they are too precious to me, though i am a hypocrite and have gone against this, at least it sounds like a good excuse for not taking pictures of the people i met..... The people i met and talked to, my friends in Nagoya, meeting someone from UW Milwaukee in Nara, the 82 year old staying at the Shukubo with me in Koya, walking around with a guy from Ireland on my second day in Kyoto, and the further depths of the bizzare in kyoto....kyoto....i cant speak of these aleatory experiences any more.. I would like to write about them, but i will leave my memories....sweet memories...though they occasionaly stab at me and help construct chimeras, i would not dare try to replace them..... ahh.. the question of representation, my favorite....the abyss of the representable....

Ok, either im bipolar, or i dont know what to make of things right now.... I went to work, the weather was dark and ominous outside... my emotions and the weather seem to be as one, the skys open and my eyes see to the horizons, the snowstorms come and i cramp and contract into a cold dead ball of snow...Anyways, sitting at the board of education, listening in, everyone is having their going away parties since people change schools/work locations every so often.. I just cant help but feel that i am a ghost, I some of the people moving are teachers i enjoyed talking too (no matter how breif) but the formalities and structures seem to overturn my thoughts into insecure apathy. I was sitting at my desk in the morning trying to study kanji, and i realize i have no formal method of doing so, since i have felt that i am a complete waste of space (once again...time alone, nobody to talk to, and if i try to i feel like i make an ass of myself, and usualy inconvenience those around me... but i did send an elaborate message to Mika...and she seems to understand completely....I was breaking up inside.....sitting at the desk i actually had tears coming down my cheeks (or almost)....and felt ashamed of doing so in the office.... Ahh...yes....that good old alienating feeling, we musnt break the social convections of hiding our emotions to a degree.....I feel like letting go, Just taking everything and moving to the Southern parts of Japan.... While everyone here has a degree of kindness to them, i am mostly a ghost to most of them i would imagine (though i cant speak as if i can see things from their perspective...). I wanted to smash my head, rush of emotions... euphoric high, goodbye....this is the big comedown.... only two days after my return..... I need to look into myself to find if i want to go on... All i look forward to is heading out to tokyo in a couple of weeks to see what currents i get caught in....Maybe ill interview for some jobs there or something....Though time is nill....i can still dream...even if it is chimeras....the dream has turned its head like the god janus... the dual head, the spirit of revenge, of bad consciousness...