W...H..A..T?

I need an infusion of expressive outlets....i think i have been lazy off my ass for the past two months, constantly tired, filled with self doubt and loathing.....feeling like one of the classes at the middle school always makes fun of my lack of japanese compidence......which highly discourages me and makes me feel like shit... but then again i did anyways. I might start to update this blog more often just to have some discursive outlet of some sort so that i dont slit my wrists since nobody hear seems to understand me, and further, i have a skill in isolating myself and dont know what the hell is going on half of the time...but then agiain that seems lke the norm for what i usualy do....self destruction is always a fun thing...i have memories of high school...well it comes back, it allways comes back...back to a non-begining, back to nowhere, in a sense its not 'back' as in a return at all, but the return of loss, of nothingness, of constant overcoming.....this process and not the location returns.....but i continually destroy that, and every conjecture has the manifold impacts of compounding on itself, and of every other constituent that help it get buy... what is this rant about.....well basically my ability to fuck myself up over and over again. Part of me wants to die, part of me doesnt think there is such a finality, since there was never an essence to decay to begin with, and all is the same as if floating, as if the identity of the clone destroys all sense of origins.....the clone is the origin of the same, as is the same the origin of the clone, thus the concept origin loses all meaning (im spelling wrong because i dont give a damn anymore)... but i try at some little things, try to see myself tear myself down for no other reason than i dont know what to do, things are not that bad... i just feel that they are, which means that for all i know they are as i make them. well...once again, signing off.....