Cement Jungle/Dreamland/Chimera......Its all fucked.
私を殺してくれてください。。
生活は夢のようになりました。
でも、真っ黒のような思い出や東京で撮る写真をはりました。
Walking down Harajuku, riding on the Raimbow bridge to get to Odaiba, seeing the constant barrage of lights, masses of people moving around Shibuya and its musical/fashionable display..I once thought new york was eye candy and a prototype of how an infanstructure has such a vital role for everthing, that the groups of atoms moving in space colliding with each other at a massive velocity due to the compressed area, elicit an ominous relation for how fragile the infanstructure it all is. I think i snapped when walking....something gave, maybe it was the realization that my japanese is all but useless, i have lost all sense of sanity and confidence in myself, i just want to be one of the nihilistic youth walking around Shibuya as they consume the streets leaving the cars to rust in the summer sun. I want to feel what it was like again to loose all hope, to say fuck it to everything, yet in a few days i will start teaching....How to go about this..? I have not yet come to terms with my environmental revolution...I feel fragile, alone, desolate, broken, yet this is how i imagined it...this is what it would feel like...I am sure that its just the jet lag speaking, since sleep has eluded me for the past 50 some odd hours, but maybe its much more. Im sitting here at 1Am listeningn to this guy talk about Israel's right to bomb lebanon because they have no other resources to turn to when dealing with these 'fundamentialists' (as if the zionist militants were not 'fundamential' in their opression of palistien, their continued occupations of lebanon, their creation of an enemy and using its creation as justification for provacations that further justify militant moves.....kill the people, realize mock prejiduces in a state that only allows people of specific religious beleif to have automatic global immunity and citizenship.) Whatever, fuck it, i dont give a damn....I cant.... I want to articulate, i critique, but its all in vain, i realize that i lack the will to construct anything of worth to myself, i just give it up....Gotta worry aobut how much one is spending, got to go to an organic resteraunt in tokyo, only to have some vegetables for an expensive price, gotta go to a sushi bar and order kappa maki though stumble a couple of times in japanese when talking to the chef...Gotta fall asleep on the Subway and drool on my shirt after being awake for 30 hours and walking for 10. if this isnt living, if this is not a 'life', if this is all a chimera, then fuck it all..... The mega cd stores in Shibuya all spilling music from every direction, the people showing how fashionable they are. CJ, something about Shibuya just screems out to me as something that you should see.......The mass of young individuals walking, dominating the streets, the music shops all over, the arcades, the underground clubs, the individual isolation being surrounded by this cement jungle...Tokyo is by fare the most postmodern city i have ever been to...one moment a robot, the next, a monkey bein tugged by a trainer. Fuck....... I think im more confused by this whoe thing than anything....I am infatuated with the city just from visiting its major districts in one day, i see the yuppy Roppongi Hill, charging for everything, modern consumerism, plazma screens on the side, an ancient samurai stature, homeless people all around, cats roaming the streets, toilets that spray water at your ass.. I am so alone, so afraid, but of what? I dont have any expectations, any real future goals, i just want to be a nomad. Kill me, Let me live, breath the humid and polluted air....The phallaces of buildings all around us, i just want to live in isolation, quiet, but i dont know what to do with myself.....I am infatuated with everything around me, the ranting about israel's agression and realpolitik, the city that has willed its own destruction through the hegemonice force of pop cultural representation....how many times has tokyo been destroyed only to be rebuilt.....the pehonix city, ever dogging a vivid description, a static state, destroy/ rebuild, this modle is applied to every topographical movement, every temporal strain, every red light district...but what city is not like this any more? shall we fall into an orientialist trap....all i can say is that tokyo is a city for all and none....the homeless are ever more explicit than in america, the cats roaming the streets, the politeness and destructiveness all contained into one contradiction....one conjecture, each time the city reconstructs itself......and here i am taking pictures of the phalaces...of kabuki....of robots...of arcades, pachinko, my mind is so overdetermined right now, so confused, so contradictory....i want to experience things, yet fear experiencing the infinite horizon of tomorrow...Ill be a working boy now, with responsibility, ect... gotta write an introduction, gotta study form my host family stay... 3 years of japanese has gotten me jack shit...ok...i can read some kanji, pick up some sentances here and there, ask simple questions...but fuck, im glad i got kicked in the ass.....thats what this is, and i deserve it, i deserve to be looked upon with severe contentment at my pathetic japanese.....well....at least i can talk about it....in english......... Itinerary for tomorrow (i.e. today, i.e. i the horizoin) Kabuki, Hirajuku, Shinjuku, kitakami, Nishiwaga all so that i can dissapoint my employer with how under-prepared i am for all of this. Well, this is it....this is my dream...living a dream, living in a dream, a phantasm......Oh ya, its all fucked.
生活は夢のようになりました。
でも、真っ黒のような思い出や東京で撮る写真をはりました。
Walking down Harajuku, riding on the Raimbow bridge to get to Odaiba, seeing the constant barrage of lights, masses of people moving around Shibuya and its musical/fashionable display..I once thought new york was eye candy and a prototype of how an infanstructure has such a vital role for everthing, that the groups of atoms moving in space colliding with each other at a massive velocity due to the compressed area, elicit an ominous relation for how fragile the infanstructure it all is. I think i snapped when walking....something gave, maybe it was the realization that my japanese is all but useless, i have lost all sense of sanity and confidence in myself, i just want to be one of the nihilistic youth walking around Shibuya as they consume the streets leaving the cars to rust in the summer sun. I want to feel what it was like again to loose all hope, to say fuck it to everything, yet in a few days i will start teaching....How to go about this..? I have not yet come to terms with my environmental revolution...I feel fragile, alone, desolate, broken, yet this is how i imagined it...this is what it would feel like...I am sure that its just the jet lag speaking, since sleep has eluded me for the past 50 some odd hours, but maybe its much more. Im sitting here at 1Am listeningn to this guy talk about Israel's right to bomb lebanon because they have no other resources to turn to when dealing with these 'fundamentialists' (as if the zionist militants were not 'fundamential' in their opression of palistien, their continued occupations of lebanon, their creation of an enemy and using its creation as justification for provacations that further justify militant moves.....kill the people, realize mock prejiduces in a state that only allows people of specific religious beleif to have automatic global immunity and citizenship.) Whatever, fuck it, i dont give a damn....I cant.... I want to articulate, i critique, but its all in vain, i realize that i lack the will to construct anything of worth to myself, i just give it up....Gotta worry aobut how much one is spending, got to go to an organic resteraunt in tokyo, only to have some vegetables for an expensive price, gotta go to a sushi bar and order kappa maki though stumble a couple of times in japanese when talking to the chef...Gotta fall asleep on the Subway and drool on my shirt after being awake for 30 hours and walking for 10. if this isnt living, if this is not a 'life', if this is all a chimera, then fuck it all..... The mega cd stores in Shibuya all spilling music from every direction, the people showing how fashionable they are. CJ, something about Shibuya just screems out to me as something that you should see.......The mass of young individuals walking, dominating the streets, the music shops all over, the arcades, the underground clubs, the individual isolation being surrounded by this cement jungle...Tokyo is by fare the most postmodern city i have ever been to...one moment a robot, the next, a monkey bein tugged by a trainer. Fuck....... I think im more confused by this whoe thing than anything....I am infatuated with the city just from visiting its major districts in one day, i see the yuppy Roppongi Hill, charging for everything, modern consumerism, plazma screens on the side, an ancient samurai stature, homeless people all around, cats roaming the streets, toilets that spray water at your ass.. I am so alone, so afraid, but of what? I dont have any expectations, any real future goals, i just want to be a nomad. Kill me, Let me live, breath the humid and polluted air....The phallaces of buildings all around us, i just want to live in isolation, quiet, but i dont know what to do with myself.....I am infatuated with everything around me, the ranting about israel's agression and realpolitik, the city that has willed its own destruction through the hegemonice force of pop cultural representation....how many times has tokyo been destroyed only to be rebuilt.....the pehonix city, ever dogging a vivid description, a static state, destroy/ rebuild, this modle is applied to every topographical movement, every temporal strain, every red light district...but what city is not like this any more? shall we fall into an orientialist trap....all i can say is that tokyo is a city for all and none....the homeless are ever more explicit than in america, the cats roaming the streets, the politeness and destructiveness all contained into one contradiction....one conjecture, each time the city reconstructs itself......and here i am taking pictures of the phalaces...of kabuki....of robots...of arcades, pachinko, my mind is so overdetermined right now, so confused, so contradictory....i want to experience things, yet fear experiencing the infinite horizon of tomorrow...Ill be a working boy now, with responsibility, ect... gotta write an introduction, gotta study form my host family stay... 3 years of japanese has gotten me jack shit...ok...i can read some kanji, pick up some sentances here and there, ask simple questions...but fuck, im glad i got kicked in the ass.....thats what this is, and i deserve it, i deserve to be looked upon with severe contentment at my pathetic japanese.....well....at least i can talk about it....in english......... Itinerary for tomorrow (i.e. today, i.e. i the horizoin) Kabuki, Hirajuku, Shinjuku, kitakami, Nishiwaga all so that i can dissapoint my employer with how under-prepared i am for all of this. Well, this is it....this is my dream...living a dream, living in a dream, a phantasm......Oh ya, its all fucked.
posted by matt at 9:10 AM
2 Comments:
so what's the story behind the guy who looks like he's out of his mind posessed? japanese shroom experimentation gone bad?
well, i didnt get as many good pictures of the people in shibuya or harajuku as i would have liked, like i said it was probably the most insane mass of disgruntled/counter (or something like that) hegemonic culture youth i have seen... There are massive music stores (i spent a good hour and a half in each of them and was so overwhelmed by what they had, inde, punk, techno, ambient, ect....that i didnt get anything and have decided to go down and spend a week in tokyo this december and just focus on shinjuku, shibuya, and harajuku...you could get swollowed up by those places. I am currently at my computer at the board of education with my first day on the job....its kind of funny, ever since i got to japan all of the japanese i learned has gone out the window, i can hardly say a single sentence, i just feel so nervious....and i had to introduce myself today (i prepared a script but i wasnt able to print it off, so i had to do it ad hoc and probably got 2 fluid sentances out...i.e my name and something else which i forgot....its kind of pathetic after 3 years of college that i am reduced to this but i think its a good kick in the ass...living with the host family is awsome, but im quiet because im afraid to say to much, i keep it simple and smile and appreciate them trying to interact with me.. But its interesting, i can understand it when other people talk, and am getting so much in each day, hearing japanese now seems to have conceptually slowed down compared to how people usualy feel once they start to learn a language....all i can say is that college is a joke looking at it when i cant even produce a simple introduction (but then again my cognitive processes were overdetermined by sleep, nerviousness, awe, and the beautiful area....Nishiwaga is probably one of the most scenic places i have ever visited...well, even though im sucking up when it comes to japanese, im enjoying my time, and find the humility (though everyone is being extra nice to me since i just arrived) is something that i think would make a good deal of people step back from their worries, paranoia, hate.. and just view it as absurd...my absurd existential, post-structural exsistence... (i had to say those two because most people feel they are in dialectical tension with each other)... Oh, and no, the guy is not on shrooms, or maybe he is? who knows, but if you live anywhere in tokyo, want a constant night life, want to feel alienated yet at home...shibuya reminded me of that.....well, tell mom and dad everythings going well (heh.. i probably should have studied for those two months after graduation, oh well, im sure in two months i will be 20x further in speeking japanese than all my previous experience in college....its all about connections...well later.
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