Chasing Flowers
Arrrrgggg!!!!!!!!!!!! THe emotions, being swept up.....fuck.... I never thought i could feel so alive, so liberated, so content, yet so sad at the same time.... The transitions seem to range from a severe case of bi-polarism to just downright suicidal lulls....... What??? could it be that another individual could make me feel this way? Just to embrace, to be embraced, to feel like there is someone that you can care for and possibly help through the existential clusterfuck of daily existence.... I would give anything just to sit down and be by her side.......again...... But i know somewhere inside that the crule forces that over-determine my psyche (not neglecting my own subjective affordances and such. Arggg... I couldnt even gather enough streingth to say i love you.. those words.... they just seem so overplayed in contemporary mass culture.... I guess i was struggling to find a way to express my emotions that i felt that word could not contain, but in the process let something precious slip..... just grab what you can, if you fall into hackynacked cliches (yes that is redundant) fuck it... just fuck it.... ive learned to let the spirit, the liberotory and aleatory contingency sweep me up.... living in a rural setting when you have personal issues and struggle to come to terms with your insecurity at work and in general trying to construct an identity in a new language environment kind of kicks the shit out of you.. or at least it did me.... I was unprepared, but then again thats how i wanted to be.... i just underestimated my ability to fall back into self destructive phantoms that have haunted me for the past decade...ok for as far back as my reconstructed memory permits. // Fuck the GRE.... i would give anything, give up this job, my savings, everything, if i could just feel what i felt with her once more... damn, natural opiates are dangerously addictive.. to wish it to be a constant is suicidal...but then again i was always kind of suicidal, but ill refrain from such a naive wish (though it would be more than sublime if possible.... >_<... there is a buddhist parable in japanese which goes, Hi-ka-raku-yo （飛花落葉）, Basically it means "the leaves scatter and fall" and is ment to imply the imperminance of all exsistance.). But wether she feels the same about me, though it appeared so (but i have a tendency to not be able to pick up 'signals' well.), i dont know, and that scares me.......If it be that she is happier without me, so be it, i would be willing to relent if it ment her happiness....the ability to abstain to walk away knowing that it would make another happier, that to me is harder to do than to force yourself....and for some reason i vew it as a symbol of something that cant be expressed through traditional nomenclatures of inter-human relations.....but i hope it doesnt come to that...hope, where the fuck did this come from?????? I have come to a conclusion i think.... Staying in japan and going to someplace more metropolitan seems more and more attractive as time goes on....though last year was a mental clusterfuck....maybe some of it was that 'first year hurdle' to use the steryotped experiences discussed in immigrant literature... Let the spirit sweep you up and carry you off.....I want to call her now.... im going to visit tokyo every chance i can get...fuck the cost... im saving too much as it is now....
Frozen Winter Shit... Hopless Romantic
Well its starting to get colder gradually......shit......my body fat percent is 6%......hmmmm....living in cold environments is no good for manic depressive/semi-anorexic vegans..hah..thats all i have to say...its conductive twoards 2 things... getting lost in the moment of hybernation, slow death rushing over every pore of my body....and the existential task, taking charge of my slow death and trying to embrace it..... death...hmmm....its kind of interesting... Iwate has the second highest suicide rate of all of japan....hmmm.....YAY! i guess there are alot of easy access points to do it, and living in such a rural environment where everyone is overly shy. Hmm... anyways, its interesting.... I met up with some friends that work at a Hemp shop in kitakami, most of them are fairly cool and seem to find me interesting.. One of them is a DJ who plays at the local club.. So i ended up talking to everyone in the shop for about 4 hours or so on Saturday and not getting alot of what i wanted to get done in, but i could care less...... Its just so nice talking to people, even if it is just me talking about how fucked up i am...hah..ok, i dont think it was all about that, but im sure a good deal of it was...heh.. Well, im going through massive implosions i think......i dont know what it is......being attracted to someone yet scared of them at the same time???? what the fuck is that?? I guess i mean to say im more scared of hurting her... which given my self destructive tendancies seems to be the only option for individuals who try to get close to me.....i just cant seem to care about myself enough to do anything worthwhile. Ehh... i dont care about grad school any more.... It just seems like a futile exercise in esoteric masturbatory practices, which i can do by myself without paying the oodles of cash... though it would be nice to get a research position and do something like that...hmmm....i dont see that happening... maybe ill just continue to be a pirate/nomad and taverse the world in search of something that makes me feel like i actually matter to someone (family doesn't count in my book, heh..)
