Taking out the trash

I find that the more i stay here in nishiwaga, the more fragile, apathetic, disassociated from everything i feel..... I have to read znet and critical theory magazines in my spare time to have some sense of composure. I have turned into a zombie of unfathomable sorts.. I enjoy playing with the kids at school, but i lack the composure that is required in an institutionalizing environment such as a public school (where most of the students have neither the intention or volition to learn English, those that do i find i enjoy spending time with, but i feel i am still probably viewed as a 'cultural showthing' of sorts.... set in the institution to distinguish those who are out of the group from those that are in the group (i dont know what the fuck the group is, but it feels that way). I think, be it by malicious design of cicumstancial coincidences, most ALT's are put in this position when they come here. Being functionally illiterate is quite dibilitating, let alone the complexities of oral communication. Those who have more composure, who are able to let go and free themselves to enjoyment, seem to always have obtained such sentimentality, even if its only a chimerical illusion of my own preceptions... Im too introverted, too shy, too apathetic any more... I wish i could feel somewhat more apart of things, but i know deep down i dont want to be... I fear being attached to things too much. For some reason I like the velocity of being a nomad in transition, always scathing in my dependancies upon the resources of this planet.... Oh... it looks like Abe resigned. What, to be replaced by another corrupt LDP minister? Hmm...The formalities, the presentations, wherever you are. THe presentation, such an odd concept dont you think? to present something? but what? how does that differ from representation? I think if i were to expand upon this tangent i could come to some solidification about my ideological abbhoration with the so called 'representation complex'.. can the sublantern speak, shall we say that the sublantern has even been subsumed? is the sublantern able to formulate its own narrative? isnt the concept of a sublantern subjectifying those and attempting to represent those who are the invisible others, the barakumin, the gaijin, in a sense i have submerged into this identity, and have let my apathy and mental dissipation reflect that which is laid down for me. The gauntlet of my psyche has come to embrace it it would seem, the immigrant lamenting his own social stigmatization, why? for no other reason than he has let it all slip, determinants beside... Ive become a fuckup.. Well, dreams of grad school still wander around my head...maybe ill do something, i say to myself, maybe find some reason to get up again, maybe...maybe...maybe...